Thoughts and Prayers

There was no God.

That is one of the comments I read from a Christian mother and her reasoning behind this latest tragedy in Parkland, Florida. She went on to say that had we not removed God from the classroom things like this wouldn’t happen.

You either believe in a all knowing, all powerful God that is everywhere or you don’t. I don’t think God gives two shits about the separation of church and state or abides by secular legalities. But I see this is just the naive gut response for trying to rationalize the issues our country is facing.

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The Price of Lifetime Limits On Medicaid

Click on image for article

By putting lifetime limits on Medicaid our country would be hurting the most vulnerable. I want to explain this to the pro life conservative that would like to end abortion for fetal deformities and genetic defects. I want to explain this to all of you who share pictures and videos of children with disabilities that get your thoughts and prayers. This will hurt parents with premature infants with lifelong disabilities, people who have sustained life long injuries that do not qualify for Medicare, and those with other disabilities that will Be life long and debilitating.

For years now the GOP touted that “Obama Care” would have death panels. THIS kind of legislation will be a death sentence to hundreds and thousands of people. Instead of instant death in concentration camps and gas chambers in World War 2 Germany under Hitler for the disabled it will be slow, agonizing death filled with pain and suffering, draining families and community resources to continue caring for these people. Families will be forced to make hard and agonizing decisions. Euthanasia will become prevalent, either through consent or mercy.

Ask yourself is THIS the America you want? Is this the “self reliance” and taking of personal responsibility you are looking for?

You can click on image for link to article.

(And yes you are welcome to share – and I welcome Conservatives and Trump supporters responses)

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Living In The Moment

Ever since I had spinal meningitis I have learned to not take things for granted. Life is precious. All the cliches you have heard about facing something life altering are all true.

It is the little things. The moss growing on the bricks that line my flower beds. Literally watching flowers bloom. Kittens playing ram curiously. Even the bad things don’t seem so bad anymore.

Last week I lost my wallet. I’m pretty sure my brain tumor made me do it. The week prior I had been in a flare and I could not remember most the week. When I finally was able to be myself again my wallet was gone.

Normally I would lose my shit. I would scream and yell and let the panic wash over me. My kids would scramble in fear I would turn into a complete raving lunatic when I had one of these anxiety filled moments. But this time that didn’t happen.

Yes, I was panicked and I furiously looked for it with my kids and the neighbors children. We turned the now dead van upside down (more on that) and scouted the yard. I called all the places we had been to and even some I had not. I looked everywhere. My kids looked everywhere. Furniture was moved, trash cans were gone through, we even looked in the freezer.

And then, anxiety filled and wondering what had happened to it it became funny. My wallet was gone. God help anyone who finds it and thinks they can use my credit card. I just hope they think those pills were not illicit drugs because there were deworming pills. And I needed to renew my drivers license anyway.

Either an animal helped in its disappearance or it was me. No one to blame and no pointing fingers. It was only a matter of time that I truly, truly forgot where I put something. Hell, I couldn’t even remember FOUR entire days.

And this is my life. I truly just strive to live in the moment. Right now is all that matters.

My oldest son, who has dealt with my anxiety crazed rages through the years more than he should had said later “Mom you didn’t lose your shit.” And my response was “when you have a brain tumor that tends to put everything else into perspective”.

Maybe I am becoming a better version of myself.


And the day I discovered my wallet was missing my minivan died. It was on its last legs but I was hoping I could push it one more year. It wasn’t even trade in worthy, I had to sell it to a junker.

The next day I bought a new car, without a drivers license, without a down payment, and without a trade in. I literally called the dealership and told them what I wanted and asked if they would take my pre approved financing. It was the easiest car buying experience I have ever had.

This week has been a good week. Little pain. Less nausea. Less stumbling. Decent sleep. And most of all I have soaked in all those little moments and I can remember them. 😜

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Grudge Holding

I’ve held a grudge for nearly six years. A deep, soul churning grudge. I had hoped that with time I would find myself over it.

Therapy didn’t help.

Prayer didn’t help.

Begging the Divine has not helped.

I would like to let this shit go.

I can’t.

I used to pride myself in not holding grudges and letting go. I didn’t hold off forgiveness. I believed in second and third chances. And then poor associations and deception followed by unadulterated evil entered my life and poisoning it.

I still hope to let it go.

One day.

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Car Cages For Children

I recently read a animal advocacy post about not putting dogs in carriers on the back of cars or on the roof. I of course went to read the comments on this Facebook post and one woman exclaimed “Would you put your human children in a cage on the back of a car for a road trip?” And I paused for a long time because I’ve traveled for over 20 years all over the South East with my children and I can honestly say “yes, yes I would”.

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Crazy Cat Lady Dangers

Had this woman had a dog instead of cats she might have been saved. You know those cats gave no fucks when she fell into the wall. But Lassie, had she had a dog like her, the neighbors would have been alerted to her accident. These are the real dangers of being a crazy cat lady.

Lady dies inside wall and is not found for years.

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Alabama’s White Woman Politics

Gawddammitt – what in the hell is wrong with nearly 70% of Alabama’s white women? This is the second election in a little over a year and both times you chose to vote for a man that is not only bad for the country but is a complete departure from common decency. Y’all do remember what that is? Right?


This is not a Harlequin Romance novel. Choosing the wealthy oppressor will not give you a fairy tale ending. There is no hero in these old men who seek power rather than service.

Donald Trump and Roy Moore are cut from the same cloth. Both are liars. Both abuse scripture to appeal to the worst parts of our humanity and sadly Alabama White Woman you are falling for it.

I need to know how you can dismiss the women who have stories of sexual harassment and assault against these two men. Before you tell me they were paid by leftist and George Soros I would like you answer for me what you feel these women’s motivation was. Both men admit to leering, wanting to date or dated underage girls, and one bragged about actually forcing himself on women. It’s like you weren’t even listening or do you just not care.

I guess Alabama White Woman I wonder what you think men like Donald Trump or Roy Moore can do for you. You. As in individual.

I’m guessing there are a lot of daddy issues involved being that the majority of you came from broken homes because we live in a state with a high divorce rate and high incidence of unplanned pregnancies among teens. Maybe you are yearning for a pappy with power, money, or both but the truth of the matter both these men have been terrible fathers. Between the divorces, affairs, and inappropriate relationships with minors I’m wondering how you believe these two men will improve marriage and families in our state.

Because in Alabama it’s not gay marriage we should be concerned about destroying the family. Most of Alabama can’t get marriage between a man and a woman straight. Well, not unless you believe third time is a charm. Most children in our state are living in poverty. Our education system is failing and bankrupt. So how will these two men change this in our state for the better? What policies will they actually submit that will bring about economic growth, Family security, while giving our children a quality education?

While I wait…

You do realize these men sent their children to private schools forgoing and being out of touch with public education. You do realize that they seek to privatize education which means corporations will be making decisions on what we teach our children to make them good workers. You do realize these men are against programs that will strengthen our communities and provide better health care for our children that has one of the highest maternal and neonatal death rates in the country.

But I digress.


And Alabama White Woman why in the hell do you think these men are ProLife? Because they say so? I mean why do you take them at their word? Is it because they said they are Christian or is it based on actual policy changes they have made and living by example.

Last I checked neither Roy Moore or Donald Trump have fostered or adopted children. In fact I feel pretty confident that Roy Moore can’t even pass a DHR home study in Alabama. I’m also wondering how many of you would leave your daughters alone with either of these two men. Again, I digress.

The truth is neither of these men are pro-life but in a political arena. Neither have the power or the ability to overturn the Supreme Court on abortion.

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Major Media Might As Well Be A Rag or Porn or Both

I am a news junkie and have been for over thirty years. I started reading the newspaper when I was 9 years old. By 12 I was waking up an extra thirty minutes so that I would have plenty of time to read the newspaper from front to back, section by section. My father still talks about this and tells stories of my methodical and daily addiction at such a young age.

In high school social studies and English were my favorite subjects. I participated in yearbook and the school newspaper just as my parents had and for awhile I thought that I would go to college and pursue journalism. It was a career I found to be worth while and inspiring with a touch of rebellion. I admired those in the field who went to great lengths to tell a story and get the truth out.

In today’s climate I would not want to be a journalist or in any kind of news media. It is now about money and advertisements, ratings, and page hits. Trusted news sources now read like “rags” in the grocery store aisle and the National Enquirer may actually vet their sources better in all honesty. I’m saddened to see such a respected field, once seen with integrity be lowered to the standards of a person who sells snake oil.

Last night when catching up on the latest news and suffering another bout of insomnia the above caption was trending on CNN. Not only is it not news it just isn’t appropriate content for a major news outlet. This kind of article belongs in a porn magazine or an erotica site not in mainstream media.

I would love to blame Trump for this deteriorating integrity when it comes to the news with his references to penis size, comments like “grab them by the pussy” or calling other countries “shitholes”, or the fact he paid off a porn star but this has been happening for well over a decade when we let our news become a source of entertainment. Our thirst for gossip and sensationalism and the need to be constantly entertained has turned our news into no more but a common tabloid.

Thirty years ago my parents didn’t have reservations over me reading the newspaper or watching CNN but I do. While I may be the most liberal mom on the block I don’t think my twelve year old should read, much less come across an article on cuckholding on a major news site. That isn’t being prudish that is just having decency.

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Don’t Google That

Neurologist: I don’t believe your pineal gland cyst is symptomatic.

Me: Okay, but what about the other cyst you said I had?

Neurologist: Doubtful.

Me: So what is causing the inflammation and excess cerebral spinal fluid?

Neurologist: Meningitis.

Me: From THREE years ago?

Neurologist: Yes.

Me: what about these new symptoms I’ve been having?

Neurologist: Obviously something is going on neurologically but we just don’t know what that is.

Me: Uh huh.

Neurologist: You are probably having these symptoms because you use marijuana.

Me: :::: looking at him with total disbelief :::: I wouldn’t need it if I could have a sleep aid and something for pain.

Neurologist: I don’t do pain management or sleeping pills. We can try another anti seizure medication.

Me: But the side effects are horrible and worse than my symptoms. That is part of the reason I use marijuana.

Neurologist: I can’t offer you any medication that will give you the same benefits without the side effects than what you are already doing.

Me: (thinking to myself are you fucking kidding me) But the marijuana is what is causing me all these additional problems and not the tumor in my head? Or the cyst on the back of my brain?

Neurologist: Right. They are asymptomatic. But don’t Google them because you will think you are dying.

Me: Why is that?

Neurologist: Because you will read the symptoms and think it’s the cause of what is going on with you but it’s not. Seriously you are going to be fine.

Me: Uh-huh

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The past four days I have felt comparably normal. The dizziness and nausea has been kept at bay thanks to Zofran, CBD oil, and Coke One. I’ve showered without fear of slipping in the tub, put on make up, and cooked huge family meals. Most of all I spent time with my kids, soaking them in and realizing how fast time has passed. That being said I do not miss those years. Parenting while still tough is nothing compared to five young children in stair step succession.

I’ve been gathering my medical records from the last three years. I am trying to figure out if should be angry, frustrated or what after reading them. First, they are grossly incomplete when it comes to the reasons I sought medical help. It is like I wasn’t sitting there at all. In one report it actually sounds like I’m a hypochondriac.

And what I find comical is that two different doctors clearly recognize that I have a 1cm tumor in the middle of my brain yet both say it is asymptomatic based on what? Very little research? Extensive experience? It is like they ignored every symptom I had and assigned it to something else. Even the excess cerebral spinal fluid and inflammation around my brain.

Fuck them. Even they have Google. And back in September my neurologist even said to me before I left the country – “don’t Google any of this or you will think you are dying.”

The whole reason I went to him was because I was having trouble with my speech, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and besides the pain and horrible headaches I was getting LOST. Getting lost in familiar places. Getting confused. Having to call people in a panic because I couldn’t remember where I was supposed to go to pick up my kids.

I’m not crazy. I’m not on drugs. I’m not making this shit up for attention.

I don’t want a brain tumor to define my life. I hate that I have to put my life on hold because I can’t walk upright because the room is spinning. I don’t like feeling nauseated or having blurry vision or being off balance. And I certainly don’t like laying in the dark as days pass by when I have such horrible headaches that even whispers are painful. Most of all I don’t like feeling stupid and that I’ve lost some of my cognitive functions. Hoping and praying I will qualify for brain surgery was definitely not in my master plan.

And it’s these last four days that have been my new normal that I hope for more of. I am grateful that I can still find my words and write and homeschool my children. Though at times I feel I am their ultimate science experiment! I really hope that these days and my strength and positivity is what my friends and family see that will end up defining me.

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