Uncertain

The last few days I have been suffering with vertigo.

On Thursday I woke up with blurred vision and nauseated and when I went to go to the bathroom I stumbled to it like a drunk. The floor literally felt like it was moving. I thought it would pass so I went back to bed but a few hours later I awoke no differently.

Of course I was thinking at the time this was just a one day occurrence. It would pass I told myself. I’ll rest. I’ll drink more water. I will take a Zofran and eat some protein and I will be fine.

I walked over to my neighbors for some company and coffee and staggered into her kitchen like I had just come off a bender. She joked that my walking across the yard was like a failed sobriety test. I was just glad that I didn’t fall.

Friday was no different. Nausea and unbalanced. My head felt heavy but my day was filled with hope because Dr. Dong Kim’s office called me. This is the man I have faith will help me with all this. This is the man I am going to trust to crack open my skull and get this out of my head. I just hope that it can be done before I lose too much of my normal.

Saturday I woke up and felt like I was on a ship. My arm was numb and my vision blurred. I still had vertigo and my head felt even heavier. I wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I’m not gonna lie, I wonder if one morning I will wake up and I will be blind, or worse.

I worry that this is the end of who I know myself to be and to those around me. How will this change me? Will I still be me on the other side of all this?

I don’t feel as smart as I used to be and those close to me see it. My kids see it. I’m slow and I struggle to find my words. I have trouble reading and get over stimulated. I get confused. I’ve gotten lost driving somewhere five minutes from my house. I don’t really trust myself to drive anymore especially if I am alone.

I am trying to think of this as a way of evolving. Into what I am not quite sure.

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