Car Cages For Children

I recently read a animal advocacy post about not putting dogs in carriers on the back of cars or on the roof. I of course went to read the comments on this Facebook post and one woman exclaimed “Would you put your human children in a cage on the back of a car for a road trip?” And I paused for a long time because I’ve traveled for over 20 years all over the South East with my children and I can honestly say “yes, yes I would”.

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Crazy Cat Lady Dangers

Had this woman had a dog instead of cats she might have been saved. You know those cats gave no fucks when she fell into the wall. But Lassie, had she had a dog like her, the neighbors would have been alerted to her accident. These are the real dangers of being a crazy cat lady.

Lady dies inside wall and is not found for years.

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Alabama’s White Woman Politics

Gawddammitt – what in the hell is wrong with nearly 70% of Alabama’s white women? This is the second election in a little over a year and both times you chose to vote for a man that is not only bad for the country but is a complete departure from common decency. Y’all do remember what that is? Right?

Jesus.

This is not a Harlequin Romance novel. Choosing the wealthy oppressor will not give you a fairy tale ending. There is no hero in these old men who seek power rather than service.

Donald Trump and Roy Moore are cut from the same cloth. Both are liars. Both abuse scripture to appeal to the worst parts of our humanity and sadly Alabama White Woman you are falling for it.

I need to know how you can dismiss the women who have stories of sexual harassment and assault against these two men. Before you tell me they were paid by leftist and George Soros I would like you answer for me what you feel these women’s motivation was. Both men admit to leering, wanting to date or dated underage girls, and one bragged about actually forcing himself on women. It’s like you weren’t even listening or do you just not care.

I guess Alabama White Woman I wonder what you think men like Donald Trump or Roy Moore can do for you. You. As in individual.

I’m guessing there are a lot of daddy issues involved being that the majority of you came from broken homes because we live in a state with a high divorce rate and high incidence of unplanned pregnancies among teens. Maybe you are yearning for a pappy with power, money, or both but the truth of the matter both these men have been terrible fathers. Between the divorces, affairs, and inappropriate relationships with minors I’m wondering how you believe these two men will improve marriage and families in our state.

Because in Alabama it’s not gay marriage we should be concerned about destroying the family. Most of Alabama can’t get marriage between a man and a woman straight. Well, not unless you believe third time is a charm. Most children in our state are living in poverty. Our education system is failing and bankrupt. So how will these two men change this in our state for the better? What policies will they actually submit that will bring about economic growth, Family security, while giving our children a quality education?

While I wait…

You do realize these men sent their children to private schools forgoing and being out of touch with public education. You do realize that they seek to privatize education which means corporations will be making decisions on what we teach our children to make them good workers. You do realize these men are against programs that will strengthen our communities and provide better health care for our children that has one of the highest maternal and neonatal death rates in the country.

But I digress.

Bless.

And Alabama White Woman why in the hell do you think these men are ProLife? Because they say so? I mean why do you take them at their word? Is it because they said they are Christian or is it based on actual policy changes they have made and living by example.

Last I checked neither Roy Moore or Donald Trump have fostered or adopted children. In fact I feel pretty confident that Roy Moore can’t even pass a DHR home study in Alabama. I’m also wondering how many of you would leave your daughters alone with either of these two men. Again, I digress.

The truth is neither of these men are pro-life but in a political arena. Neither have the power or the ability to overturn the Supreme Court on abortion.

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Major Media Might As Well Be A Rag or Porn or Both

I am a news junkie and have been for over thirty years. I started reading the newspaper when I was 9 years old. By 12 I was waking up an extra thirty minutes so that I would have plenty of time to read the newspaper from front to back, section by section. My father still talks about this and tells stories of my methodical and daily addiction at such a young age.

In high school social studies and English were my favorite subjects. I participated in yearbook and the school newspaper just as my parents had and for awhile I thought that I would go to college and pursue journalism. It was a career I found to be worth while and inspiring with a touch of rebellion. I admired those in the field who went to great lengths to tell a story and get the truth out.

In today’s climate I would not want to be a journalist or in any kind of news media. It is now about money and advertisements, ratings, and page hits. Trusted news sources now read like “rags” in the grocery store aisle and the National Enquirer may actually vet their sources better in all honesty. I’m saddened to see such a respected field, once seen with integrity be lowered to the standards of a person who sells snake oil.

Last night when catching up on the latest news and suffering another bout of insomnia the above caption was trending on CNN. Not only is it not news it just isn’t appropriate content for a major news outlet. This kind of article belongs in a porn magazine or an erotica site not in mainstream media.

I would love to blame Trump for this deteriorating integrity when it comes to the news with his references to penis size, comments like “grab them by the pussy” or calling other countries “shitholes”, or the fact he paid off a porn star but this has been happening for well over a decade when we let our news become a source of entertainment. Our thirst for gossip and sensationalism and the need to be constantly entertained has turned our news into no more but a common tabloid.

Thirty years ago my parents didn’t have reservations over me reading the newspaper or watching CNN but I do. While I may be the most liberal mom on the block I don’t think my twelve year old should read, much less come across an article on cuckholding on a major news site. That isn’t being prudish that is just having decency.

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Don’t Google That

Neurologist: I don’t believe your pineal gland cyst is symptomatic.

Me: Okay, but what about the other cyst you said I had?

Neurologist: Doubtful.

Me: So what is causing the inflammation and excess cerebral spinal fluid?

Neurologist: Meningitis.

Me: From THREE years ago?

Neurologist: Yes.

Me: what about these new symptoms I’ve been having?

Neurologist: Obviously something is going on neurologically but we just don’t know what that is.

Me: Uh huh.

Neurologist: You are probably having these symptoms because you use marijuana.

Me: :::: looking at him with total disbelief :::: I wouldn’t need it if I could have a sleep aid and something for pain.

Neurologist: I don’t do pain management or sleeping pills. We can try another anti seizure medication.

Me: But the side effects are horrible and worse than my symptoms. That is part of the reason I use marijuana.

Neurologist: I can’t offer you any medication that will give you the same benefits without the side effects than what you are already doing.

Me: (thinking to myself are you fucking kidding me) But the marijuana is what is causing me all these additional problems and not the tumor in my head? Or the cyst on the back of my brain?

Neurologist: Right. They are asymptomatic. But don’t Google them because you will think you are dying.

Me: Why is that?

Neurologist: Because you will read the symptoms and think it’s the cause of what is going on with you but it’s not. Seriously you are going to be fine.

Me: Uh-huh

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Undefined

The past four days I have felt comparably normal. The dizziness and nausea has been kept at bay thanks to Zofran, CBD oil, and Coke One. I’ve showered without fear of slipping in the tub, put on make up, and cooked huge family meals. Most of all I spent time with my kids, soaking them in and realizing how fast time has passed. That being said I do not miss those years. Parenting while still tough is nothing compared to five young children in stair step succession.

I’ve been gathering my medical records from the last three years. I am trying to figure out if should be angry, frustrated or what after reading them. First, they are grossly incomplete when it comes to the reasons I sought medical help. It is like I wasn’t sitting there at all. In one report it actually sounds like I’m a hypochondriac.

And what I find comical is that two different doctors clearly recognize that I have a 1cm tumor in the middle of my brain yet both say it is asymptomatic based on what? Very little research? Extensive experience? It is like they ignored every symptom I had and assigned it to something else. Even the excess cerebral spinal fluid and inflammation around my brain.

Fuck them. Even they have Google. And back in September my neurologist even said to me before I left the country – “don’t Google any of this or you will think you are dying.”

The whole reason I went to him was because I was having trouble with my speech, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and besides the pain and horrible headaches I was getting LOST. Getting lost in familiar places. Getting confused. Having to call people in a panic because I couldn’t remember where I was supposed to go to pick up my kids.

I’m not crazy. I’m not on drugs. I’m not making this shit up for attention.

I don’t want a brain tumor to define my life. I hate that I have to put my life on hold because I can’t walk upright because the room is spinning. I don’t like feeling nauseated or having blurry vision or being off balance. And I certainly don’t like laying in the dark as days pass by when I have such horrible headaches that even whispers are painful. Most of all I don’t like feeling stupid and that I’ve lost some of my cognitive functions. Hoping and praying I will qualify for brain surgery was definitely not in my master plan.

And it’s these last four days that have been my new normal that I hope for more of. I am grateful that I can still find my words and write and homeschool my children. Though at times I feel I am their ultimate science experiment! I really hope that these days and my strength and positivity is what my friends and family see that will end up defining me.

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Uncertain

The last few days I have been suffering with vertigo.

On Thursday I woke up with blurred vision and nauseated and when I went to go to the bathroom I stumbled to it like a drunk. The floor literally felt like it was moving. I thought it would pass so I went back to bed but a few hours later I awoke no differently.

Of course I was thinking at the time this was just a one day occurrence. It would pass I told myself. I’ll rest. I’ll drink more water. I will take a Zofran and eat some protein and I will be fine.

I walked over to my neighbors for some company and coffee and staggered into her kitchen like I had just come off a bender. She joked that my walking across the yard was like a failed sobriety test. I was just glad that I didn’t fall.

Friday was no different. Nausea and unbalanced. My head felt heavy but my day was filled with hope because Dr. Dong Kim’s office called me. This is the man I have faith will help me with all this. This is the man I am going to trust to crack open my skull and get this out of my head. I just hope that it can be done before I lose too much of my normal.

Saturday I woke up and felt like I was on a ship. My arm was numb and my vision blurred. I still had vertigo and my head felt even heavier. I wanted to lay in bed and have a pity party. I’m not gonna lie, I wonder if one morning I will wake up and I will be blind, or worse.

I worry that this is the end of who I know myself to be and to those around me. How will this change me? Will I still be me on the other side of all this?

I don’t feel as smart as I used to be and those close to me see it. My kids see it. I’m slow and I struggle to find my words. I have trouble reading and get over stimulated. I get confused. I’ve gotten lost driving somewhere five minutes from my house. I don’t really trust myself to drive anymore especially if I am alone.

I am trying to think of this as a way of evolving. Into what I am not quite sure.

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The Road Ahead

This week started out poorly. A three day flare of pain that was hard to get on top of. My head felt as if it would explode. It didn’t help that when I called my neurologist and spoke to his nurse that she treated me like I was being a drama queen.

I’m sick of being placated. I’m sick of being told that this growing mass in my head is asymptomatic.

My legs sometimes buckle when I stand. One leg is consistently going numb. And this morning I woke up with vertigo and blurry vision.

I guess this is all imagined.

So I sent an email to Dr. Dong Kim in Houston for my third opinion. I can’t go on living like this. Wondering when I will wake up blind or unable to stand, getting lost in familiar places, and being in excruciating pain.

Hopefully I will hear back from his clinic soon and get an appointment soon.

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Where from here

I’m sick. I’m bringing in 2018 with pneumonia, the same as I did Christmas. This whole year has been marred with sickness, illness and disease. I am over it.

Fuck Cancer.

Fuck unexpected surgeries.

Fuck brain tumors.

Yet I end the year grateful. I am here. I am living and so are those I most enjoy and love.

I have no solid resolutions. My only goal is to zip line which requires certain things I must do – be in shape, lose some weight, and have some stamina.

I just plan to take one day at a time. Do my best. Love. Be grateful. Soak it all in. Try not to worry.

It seems simple enough.

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I miss blogging.

I don’t mean the writing, though I do miss that. I miss what it used to be. There are only a few blocks that I read or check regularly these days and they are all about politics or religion and politics.

I miss the story telling. I miss the reality and the good writing but mostly I miss getting to know people I have never met and following their stories. Right now I watch three vloggers that feel “real” in telling their stories. There is no advertisements. I don’t feel like I am being sold on something. It’s just them sharing their lives.

I miss seeing people being creative. I miss the shitty photos. The not worrying about being politically correct. The sincerity about a product.

When I do read a blog it is more like a one hit kind of deal. I go to read one post, one recipe, and one how to. I don’t know who the author is or even care anymore. I looked at a Blogging conference the other day and hardly recognized anyone.

What happen to the online diarist? Did they all just vanish back to handwritten journal writing? Sell out perhaps? Become bored?

I know it is hard to write these days online and be real. Just words pouring into a vast sea of millions of others who do not care, who are no longer invested but just looking for the newest thing. To have dialogue and comment and connect seems to have left.

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